My husband is off on a month-long National Guard drill and “Is Daddy coming home tonight?” became, “When is Daddy coming home?”, and eventually transformed into, “Is Daddy coming home?” Asked at least 20 times each day by my two eldest.

The last time my husband was gone this long, he was deployed to Iraq for a year. He missed our entire first pregnancy, the birth, and most of the first three months of our first child’s life. At the time, people said, “I don’t know how you do it!”

But all of that is nothing compared to explaining to young children why Daddy is not there to cheer for them, to dry their tears, to lift them up. Even a month is challenging–I can barely imagine the fortitude required to guide children through a year-long deployment.

Although I know that you find the strength you need, I really admire the resourcefulness, the strength, and the love of military moms.

They cheerfully put up the countdown calendars and mask their own uncertainty.

They reassure their children and swallow their own fears.

They do bath night and homework help and garbage night. And then, after they get the children to bed, they clean the house and pay the bills and fix the toilet.

They are the provider, the nurturer, the disciplinarian, and the cornerstone of consistency the children need.

It is a duty I pray I never have to fulfill but I hope, if I do, I do it half as well as the moms I have had the honor to call my friends.

Military Moms aren’t just married to heroes. They are heroes!

Photo by FamilyMWR

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So, we were excited to have him home all day on Saturday.  An hour ago, he received a call that he is being activated to help with the emergency efforts.

We are, ourselves, directly in Hurricane Irene’s path.  At this point, it looks like a weak category 1 hurricane will hit mid-Long Island sometime tomorrow morning. If it hits around 8am, the South Shore will have high tide.  If it hits closer to 11am, the North Shore will have high tide.

I am about a mile away from the beach and the low-lying areas in my village have been evacuated.  We’re up on a hill, though, so we will most likely be fine.  My parents are visiting so I will have help with the kids.

We may be incommunicado for a few days but I will try to send out smoke signals after the hurricane passes, when I can, to let everyone know we are okay.

Stay safe, everyone!

The article about Employee Rights and Military Spouses on ArmyWivesLives.com really bothered me, probably because it hits so close to home regarding a military spouse desiring a stable career of their own while support their husbands stable, yet ever unpredictable military career.  Technically, military spouses are not supposed to be discriminated against when it comes to employment because of our spouse’s career, but so often we are. Even if we keep mum regarding our personal life employers are going to notice on our resume that there we have moved, possibly every couple of years, and the very perceptive ones will realize that each move was around a Military Installation. I have no doubt this is frustrating for those families that need and want to bring in two incomes. The Military spouse all ready sacrifices so much of their own life for that of their spouse’s, on top of that we have to worry about being viewed differently in our workplace or potential workplace due to our spouse’s chosen career field to work for our country. The ever sacrificing military spouse shouldn’t feel forced to live in fear of losing our job or the ability to be hired for one soley because our loved one has chosen such an honorable yet challenging career field, none of which defines our experience, education, or skills. If it defines anything, it defines our loyal, strong, and loving character to support another human being in such an ever changing and important career.

The author suggests living by the adage “Loose Lips Sinks Ships,” and therefore suggests not talking about our personal life with our interviewers or coworkers as it could jeopardize getting a job or being promoted with in one. I know that I am naturally social, shy at first, but very open and friendly none the less, and the thought of having to be so guarded about normal everyday things signifies a somewhat lonely life in my eyes. Sharing your life with you coworkers, on any level, builds camaraderie, as well as levels of trust and though this may not be entirely lost on the Military Spouse in the workplace, it certainly isn’t entirely fair that they aren’t able to operate in the same way that others are on a day to day basis. Granted, overtime the Military Spouse’s work will speak for itself and hopefully they can slowly but surely begin sharing aspects of their life they’ve felt they had to keep quiet in order to keep their job, income, and family safe of discrimination. Though, take the woman in the article, maybe it’s best to never let your guard down and instead always keep half of your life hidden. I don’t know the answer, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see employers’ point of view of not wanting to hire and train someone only to lose them in 2 years. With that said, there is no guarantee of any length of employment with anyone that is hired, not just the military spouse.

First Lady Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden visit Sesame Street on Monday, April 18, as part of the White House's "Joining Forces" Initiative and Sesame's military families project, to tape Public Service Announcements asking all Americans to support our military families. © 2011 Sesame Workshop. Photo by Richard Termine.

Our First Lady, Michelle Obama along with Jill Biden have taken notice of our ever sacrificing Military Families and the disconnect between the families within the military and our fellow American families. The Joining Forces Initiative “Aims to educate, challenge, and spark action from all sectors of our society to ensure military families have the support they have earned.” It’s evident that our First Lady has recognized that the families ‘serve’ as well, and she has asked others to help their fellow military families, though my question to all of you out there is, what would help you out the most?

Would it help to just have someone shovel your snowy driveway? Or make a meal a week? Or take your kids for the night? Or, could it just simply be having other women (or men) over for coffee and conversation since you may be in a new place and not live on post? I think if there is a call to American’s from our First Lady to help the families behind those serving, then we need to help them understand what would is actually considered help. Maybe it’s just a simple thank you and acknowledgment of our sacrifices as well, since spouses can often feel overlooked. Either way, I’m extremely curious to hear what would help our fellow military families because though I’m an Army wife, my husband and I only have ourselves and a gorgeous grey chihuahua to look after, so I wouldn’t even begin to understand the complexities, stresses, and day to day strength needed for those of you who have so much more to juggle when the title of Mother that is also attached to military spouse.

This initiative also excites me because bringing about such awareness, and calling on those within our country to take notice of those within the military family could quite possibly aid in the employment issue that many military spouses must deal with, as with the woman in the,  Employee Rights and Military Spouses article. Perhaps, this initiative along with increasing awareness will allow those around us to not easily discriminate and instead look beyond the Army Combat Uniform wearing spouse of ours, or insert your spouse’s branch uniform, and instead view our skills, education, drive, and overall abilities when it comes to getting and/or keeping employment.

I love that Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Biden are using their positions as a platform for such an important cause. Like it or not, there is a disconnect among Military Families and the rest of our society, this isn’t to say it’s because our fellow American’s are bad people, in fact I think they’re great people and are very thankful for our service men and women, but also may not always know what to do as the Military is its own language and may be often misunderstood.

Mrs. Obama mentioned the fact that she has heard more than once that the Spouses of the Military have such a hard time having their own career. I must say, “cheers!” to the recognition for those of us who dream of our own career filled lives. Mrs. Obama has said (excuse the paraphrase) “Our Military Spouses are some of the most well educated and well-rounded individuals we have in our society,” and she is right. All of you military spouses need to remember that we have to stick together, keep each other motivated, and remind each other how very special, unique, strong, intelligent, and beautiful we all are, after all we’re fighting a fight too, just not one that most people see.

We also need to voice what we want or need when it comes to ‘help’ from others. Again, it could be simple or complex, but if we don’t speak now that Mrs. Obama is trying to uplift us then we won’t get what we truly need, and again, it may only be a simple thank you for the hardworkof supporting your spouse. We are afterall, “The force behind the force, and they too are the reason we’ve got the finest military in the world.” Thank you, President Obama.

From one MilSpouse to another, THANK YOU, I know this military wifestyle is often exciting and offers us a lot of different life experiences to check off of our bucket lists. However, it doesn’t come with sacrifice and a lot of strength, so thank you to those before me who have served for many years setting the example that it can be done, and done well.

Much love!

Signing off –

About the Author:

Fallon Wharton is a proud Army Wife who holds a degree in Mass Communications / Journalism and has her own career aspirations.  She enjoys writing poetry and short stories that draw upon her experiences and she blogs at Fallonella’s Almost Fairtyale.

Yes, a lot of these idiots are trolls but I am shocked at the vitriol being spewed by such a large number of commenters.

Here is my response to those who think military families are uneducated “moochers” living off of their tax dollars:

And for intelligent and articulate commentary on the shutdown, check out Krystel Spell of Army Wife 101 on MSNBC.

I would re-print the maddening e-mail she received here but I am concerned that someone at her office might recognize it.

Worker Mobility versus Employee Loyalty

In this case, she expects to be in the area for at least the next two years.  I really do not think that in today’s world a company can expect more than that.  Even if your spouse is not military, they cannot expect a person will not start a family, move, find a better offer, or change careers for decades anymore.  Given the vast number of layoffs, you also cannot expect that sort of loyalty from a company anymore, either.

In answering her question, there are two things to consider: (1) Her rights; (2) Reality.

Military Spouse Employee Rights

I am not a lawyer and you should not consider this actionable legal advice.

Most states do not specifically grant military spouses protection from employment discrimination.  However, you may not discriminate against someone based on marital status.  An employer making inquiries about your marriage for any purpose is simply inappropriate.  They also cannot ask if you are planning to get pregnant and take maternity leave in the near future.

Some recent decisions have also set a precedent for considering this indirect discrimination against a servicemember.  That would be a more difficult argument to make, in my lay opinion.

Either way, most of the time, this is a “he said / she said” situation but these people actually had the chutzpah to put their idiocy in writing.

Rights versus Reality

The problem with all of this is that most employees generally want to stay at their jobs and progress in their careers.  They do not want to get fired or passed up for promotions and then engage in a lengthy legal battle.

This is where the reality comes in.

My Advice to This Reader

In this case, the cat is already out of the bag and this military spouse has to decide the best way to manage the issue.

My advice was to reassure her office that her “marital status” will not affect her job performance and to clarify that she plans to be in the area for the “foreseeable future” and hopes to build her career with that company.

Chain of Command

If the company were a large, national corporation, I might also recommend investigating corporate policies and possibly taking your concerns up the chain.  However, with a small-to-medium local company, it is likely that would just get you passed over even more and possibly let-go at a later date for either manufactured performance reasons or laid-off due to the economy.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

For those who are just starting at their job or in the military life, I would recommend keeping information about your spouse to yourself.

I know it is lonely when your husband is gone on training or deployment.  I know that you want to share the joy when your husband gets a commendation or passes a difficult exam.  The sad reality is you are probably better off not confiding in your co-workers.  Even if they mean well, they most likely do not understand that casual conversations like this can affect your career.

This may be cynical, and this is not something I would have even considered when I was younger, but seeing things like this happen so many times, I’ve learned that discretion is the better part of covering your own rear.

Even with your best efforts, however, you may find yourself in a position where you are being discriminated against due to your husband’s military status.  In this case, you have to decide whether it is worth burning bridges to pursue the issue.

There’s what is right, and there is what works.  Sometimes you have to sacrifice being right in order to make things work.

What do you think? Am I too cynical? Is a direct discussion about employee rights the way to go?  Or am I not cynical enough?  Should she just start looking for another job since she is unlikely to advance at this company? And should military spouses have more employment rights to protect them? Do you empathize with the businesses who lose employees due to military moves or is it just part of the sacrifice we should all be sharing more equally?

Photo by Miriam Pastor

What topics do you write about on your blog?

Julie: Our site started in the summer of 2001, when I was a public affairs Airman stationed in Germany, engaged to Martin, who was a German tank commander in the Bundeswehr at the time.

Martin: But we had met when Julie was a high school foreign exchange student in Nuremberg. That always surprises people. Julie was lucky to be stationed at Ramstein Air Base as her first duty station. It brought her close to me, so our relationship grew from there.

Julie: We were planning a big traditional wedding, and we both come from large, scattered families, so the website was a way for my family in the states and his family around Germany to follow along with our wedding plans. But then the terrorist attacks on 9/11 happened and our site took on a new role as friends and family wanted to stay connected to us as our respective militaries responded to that.

Martin: My Bundeswehr unit was deployed to provide security support for Army bases in our area of Bavaria.

Julie: And my public affairs office at Ramstein got very busy once U.S. forces started deploying to Afghanistan. So not only did we continue writing about bridesmaid dresses and centerpieces for the wedding, but we started sharing the military side of our lives, too.

Martin: When we did finally get married, we got so many emails asking us not to stop the site. We moved to our next base in Italy and had our first daughter there, so we wrote about the baby. And traveling. I started playing football, so we posted about that.

Julie: It’s evolved over the years. We’ve changed hosting sites a few times; the design’s been updated, but it is has always been a reflection of our lives as a military family. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Now we are living in the Washington DC area with two daughters and another baby on the way. We’re both juggling careers and family and my military service. And all along, we just keep updating and sharing our lives with photos, video and some insight and humor.

What is a favorite post of yours?

Julie: Do I have to list just one? All the posts Martin wrote while I was deployed in 2007 mean so much to me. I love going back into our archives, too, and just randomly surfing through those past entries and videos, reliving those first years together or when the girls were babies. It goes by so fast.

Martin: Julie made this video for our daughter that showed what it was like to be a military child. It makes me tear up every time I see it. She included the video I took of her saying goodbye to our daughter when she deployed. (For My Military Brat – With Love)

Julie: That is probably my most emotional video I ever posted. People see videos of deployment homecomings all the time, but that’s only a brief glimpse of what being a military family is all about. I wanted to honor what my daughter went through that summer, and also show how growing up a military kid, and being a military parent, is a challenging, but pretty cool experience.

How long has your servicemember served and for how long have you been a military spouse?

Julie: I enlisted in the active duty Air Force in January 2000, which really doesn’t seem that long ago. I left active duty in June 2009, and I am now a technical sergeant (E-6) in the Air Force Reserve. It’s crazy to think it’s been 11 years total now.

Martin: Technically, I’ve been a military spouse for nine years since we married in April 2002. But when I met Julie in 1999, she told me she was joining the Air Force. I was visiting her in the United States that summer when she went to the recruiter’s station, helped her study for her ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude) test, and we wrote back and forth while she was in basic training.

Julie: I still have those letters!

Martin: It feels like I’ve been a spouse much longer since I was there at the beginning.

Has your servicemember deployed?

Julie: I deployed as a combat correspondent in 2007. I was on a three-man news team that traveled around Iraq and Afghanistan, documenting various missions through photography, articles and video.

Martin: That was a hard time for us. She traveled a lot, so I didn’t know where she was on any given day. That was a really terrible summer in regards to the bombings and deaths. I couldn’t watch the news because it just made me feel sick. As a former German soldier, I knew Julie was in a stressful situation, but she was trained. Her team had really good people on it. I still worried, though. But I couldn’t dwell on it. I focused on keeping busy for our daughter and doing my best to update our site so when Julie could access a computer, she could see that we were missing her, but doing well. And whenever she posted, I knew she was doing okay, too.

Julie: Our website was really a godsend during that time, even though it took a lot of effort to keep it going. At the time, military leadership shut off all access to a lot of the social networking sites, yet I was still able to post to our site through email, and I had subscribed to the email feed, so that’s how Martin and I kept up with each other. And it kept our friends and family informed, too. They were so eager to show their support for us in so many ways. I posted once that I really missed baking and eating fresh brownies, and within a week, I had care packages full of those microwavable brownie mixes. The night I posted from Iraq about one of the mortar attacks my team experienced, our neighbors in Virginia came to the house to check on Martin, just to reach out to him and let him know they were thinking of us. It was so touching, being enveloped by that support.

What are the challenges of being a military spouse?

Martin: Time management. She’s in the Reserve now, so her absences are a lot more predictable. I know she’ll be gone for one weekend a month and there will be some weeks here and there when she’s gone. When she was active duty, it was the same, just trying to keep a routine while being flexible.

Julie: I would also say establishing his career was a struggle, too. As most military spouses know, the military lifestyle makes it very hard for spouses to keep a good career track.

Martin: That, too. It was hard at first. I left the Bundeswehr as a tank commander so that Julie and I could stay together. I wanted to go into accounting and banking as my civilian job, but we were overseas and there are so few jobs for spouses, especially if you aren’t an American citizen eligible for a government job. I was able to do some volunteer work as an accountant for the base thrift shop. That helped. When we moved to the states, it was much easier to find a good banking job.

Julie: But even then, Martin was always the one who took the sick days when our daughter got sick. Any classes or work-related events had to be made around my military schedule. And of course, whenever I was gone, he was doing everything himself. I’m proud of the way he handled it all and how well he’s done. And I’m encouraged that spouses are getting more recognition and support now for their careers, that more programs are being offered so spouses can have steady careers, too.

What are the best parts of being a military spouse?

Martin: Seeing my wife in uniform.

Julie: Ha!

Martin: Okay, that’s only a little joke. She looks sharp in her uniform with her rank and her ribbons and medals. I know the hard work it took to get those. I remember when she didn’t have any rank on her sleeve and that little ribbon for basic training. She has accomplished a lot and I am proud of her.

Julie: I’m going to add that we’ve always enjoyed connecting with other military families.

Martin: A lot of our best friends are people who were stationed with us. I also like meeting retirees and former military brats. It’s like being part of a club with a special language. Anyone who served in the military or lived the lifestyle knows what it is like.

Julie: Our lives are richer because of our military service: the places we’ve been to, the people we’ve met, the experiences.

What is the most interesting, unusual, or funny thing that has happened to you as a result of being a military spouse?

Julie: I thought it was funny that the first time Martin attended a spouses club meeting, they were having a pajama party theme.

Martin: That was bad timing. It was one of those things where they hadn’t had a male spouse attend a meeting in over a year and then I just showed up, a newlywed and new to the base. We had a good laugh. They were very welcoming.

Julie: Aviano had a great spouses group when we were there. They did so much for us and the community.

Martin: My most unusual moment as a spouse was picking up fried chicken for Kid Rock before his concert at Ramstein. Julie was his military liaison while on base and she brought me along that day. So his bodyguard and I went to pick up the chicken and biscuits. Then all of us drove back to his hotel room to eat. That is something you don’t experience every day.

To what extent have blogging and social networking affected the military spouse experience?

Julie: When we started our site, there was no Facebook or Twitter. Unless they also had a family site or blog we could follow, we really only kept in touch with old military friends through occasional emails or our annual Christmas card mailing list.

Martin: I now get daily comments from people who were stationed with us overseas. It is easier to keep up with their lives now.

Julie: And the networking helped a great deal when I left active duty. Former colleagues and friends were quick to send me advice and job leads. It made the whole transition to civilian/Reserve life a lot easier. Blogging and maintaining relationships through social networking have opened so many doors for us.

If someone you care about was about to marry a military servicemember, what one piece of advice would you give?

Julie: A good friend of ours just recently got engaged to an Army soldier. It was funny because as soon as she told me, I went into military supervisor mode and made sure she was aware of all the paperwork and in-processing she’s going to face as she enrolls in DEERS and gets an ID card and becomes familiar with all the programs the military offers family members. It can get overwhelming. If it weren’t for other military couples reaching out to help us navigate all those processes, we would have been completely lost.

Martin: My advice is to avoid becoming isolated, especially during a deployment or separation. Ask for help if you need it. Become friends with other military spouses. And don’t lose your sense of humor.

—
For more insightful, funny, and touching stories, read Julie and Martin and “Like” them on Facebook.

Dear Molly,

My boyfriend is currently in an ROTC battalion. He won’t be commissioned until 2013. He has, in the past couple months, begun to talk about getting married. He’s 24 and I’m 20. We currently have a long distance relationship because we go to school about 3 hours apart. With all of my extracurriculers and his work/ROTC we’ve been seeing each other once, maybe twice, a month since we started dating last year. This has forced us to talk a lot more than most couples our age and he is my best friend without a doubt. I love him and agree with him that we will possibly be married in the future. The problem is, I can’t stand the uncertainty of the Army. We are waiting for him to get a waiver so he can go to basic this summer (too many traffic tickets). It’s been over a month since he went to MEPs and they still haven’t contacted him either way. There’s no telling where he will be in 4 years when I graduate from grad school. How do military wives deal with their own careers? After I’m married, I want to live with him. I want to be able to be with him as much as possible and I’m willing to live on base and raise my kids on base. But, are there generally job opportunities for spouses near bases? I plan on getting a Masters of Public Policy and be research oriented, but some of my friends said that the only jobs you could get would be minimum wage type jobs. Eventually, he is going to retire and I will be able to settle into a professorship at a university somewhere. I guess my main problem is the uncertainty the Army brings to MY dreams, plans, and goals. It seems to amplify the normal problem that almost engaged/engaged/newly married couples go through in synthesizing two lives into one. Do you have any advice, other than talking about it because we do, for us?

Thanks!

Dear Reader,

Uncertainty is a fact of military life.

A military spouse may have a career but it may require a certain degree of flexibility and creativity.

Some of the variables that will affect your job prospects are unknowable: where he is posted, at what point he is deployed, and how long it will be before you move again.

There are other considerations that are more under his and your control but may shift over time: what his career goals are in the military, what your short-term and long-term career goals are, and at what point you would like to start a family.

Every post is different. There are some where the job market is abysmal and there are others where there may be opportunities to someone in your field. When I was in Texas, there were many spouses who found various medical and administrative jobs at several nearby hospitals. You might even find a job with the military and will receive some preference in applying for federal jobs as a spouse.

I am not familiar with the types of institutions that hire people to do public policy research. I would imagine most “think tanks” are based out of Washington, DC, but there are probably national charities, public service institutions, school districts, and government offices near most posts. You might not find your ideal job at each location but you can probably find something that makes use of your skill set and education in many places.

Another option is a consulting or freelance position that enables you to telecommute. Although I was able to re-certify as a classroom teacher each time I moved, I decided it made more sense to consult and write curriculum. This way, I had continuity no matter when and where I moved and I had the perfect job for when we started our family. Plus, I maintained my qualifications in my career field and gained experience.

There are career fairs, virtual and face-to-face, online web portals, and state programs in many locations (Texas had a great one) dedicated to helping military spouses further their careers. So, there is help available. I am actually doing some research right now and plan to write a post about some of these resources.  In the meantime, here are some links that may be helpful for military spouses on the job hunt or assessing their career path:

• My Army OneSource: Education and Careers for Spouses
• Military OneSource: Spouse Education and Career Opportunities
• Military Spouse Corporate Career Nework
• Military.com: Spouse Career Center

You might also decide if you receive an assignment in an area that makes it difficult to pursue your career that it is a good time to try to publish your own papers, volunteer to keep up your credentials, and/or start your family. In other words, you can pursue a path parallel to your career goals, while fulfilling personal and family goals. Then, once you are in a better position personally and geographically, you are still more or less on-track.

Yes, you can continue to pursue a professional career. However, the path may have a few more twists.

Hope this helped!

—

“Ask Molly” represents only my opinion and the comments of readers represent their opinions. I draw upon my training as a Family Readiness Group leader, my own experience and that of those I know, and any research I found on the Internet. I am not a trained counselor. Have a question? Send questions to askmolly [at] armywiveslives [dot] com.

My hero does not like me to broadcast his heroic acts but, although I will respect his wishes, I believe talking about true heroism inspires others to act!

Are you married to a real hero?  Of course, I think all servicemembers are heroes–but are you married to a hero who has gone above and beyond?  Do you want to recognize your hero and shout it from the rooftops or at least the glossy pages of a “major women’s magazine”?  Here’s your chance:

[blockquote]We are looking for the heroes of 2010/2011 to feature in a major women’s magazine.  To be considered you must meet the following criteria (NO EXCEPTIONS).

You must:

• Be Married
• Have performed a truly heroic act and been recognized in the press for it.
• Send me a compelling paragraph giving me the details.  Please do not send more than two paragraphs.
• Send over the name, age, location and 2 photos of the hero as well as a link to articles/video detailing the act.
• Get your information to me no later than Thursday, February 10.

Please do not send over information unless you meet all criteria.

BDCCasting@gmail.com[/blockquote]

Photo credit: Captain America

But I am not a single parent.

My husband is just on drill. He’ll be home tomorrow and I’ll have my parenting and life partner back.

Even when he was deployed, he was still my husband. Although I miss him when he is gone, that is a very different type of absence than that felt by someone who is widowed or separated.

We still have our love and our mutual support and our commitment to working together on our relationship and our parenting.

I’ve heard some military spouses…and even some moms whose husbands are on business trips…joke that they are “single parents”. I think we are allowed our little jokes and I hope the real single moms don’t take offense. Really, though, we aren’t single parents at all. We have our own challenges, of course. Personally, though, I’ll take my own set of challenges over those of the single parent, any day.

Geographical separation is not the same as separation by divorce or death.