Subscribe: Military Divorce (Ask Molly)
A reader writes (details deleted to protect identities):
Dear Molly,
My husband is deployed and due to his infidelity, we are divorcing. I cannot save or keep up bills right now. He is helping with rent but not much beyond that.
I have severe medical problems that cause anxiety and panic attacks.
Is there anything I can do to have the Army help get me back home? I plan to meet with the commander.
Dear Fellow MilSpouse
First, as a fellow wife, woman, and person, I am sorry to hear about your troubles.
As a lawyer’s wife, I must preface all of this with the statement that this does not constitute actionable legal advice and that your best bet is to seek out a family law practitioner in your state who is familiar with military divorce. Laws vary from state to state and the military adds another layer of complexity.
As a former FRG leader, though, there is some information I can pass along that may prove helpful.
- You do not mention whether or not he has agreed to the divorce. As you are probably aware, he can legally delay divorce proceedings while he is deployed. Even if he is willing to proceed and you agree on everything, his deployment will most likely slow things down quite a bit. Once you have a divorce, any court orders (such as alimony or any benefits to which you are entitled) can be enforced by the military. Here is some information about those benefits for divorced military spouses. As you can see, there are various factors such as the length of his service and of your marriage.
- The short answer to your question about the military paying for your move is no. However, indirectly, there may be a solution to your financial problems.
- Before meeting with the commander, you may want to talk to your FRG leader if you have a competent one. The FRG leader may be able to advocate for you in the most appropriate way, especially if she is the commander’s wife.
- If you do meet with the commander I would recommend NOT approaching the commander to tell him there is a divorce in progress and you want money for moving home. Instead, I would recommend saying that despite the problems you are currently experiencing, you are still at this time his wife and you are still maintaining his household. He is receiving allowances specifically alloted for his household expenses, including BAH (which is higher because he has dependents) and a Family Separation Allowance (which he would not receive if he did not have dependents). You mention he is helping with the rent–I don’t know how your rent compares to BAH, but since you are maintaining his household while he is gone, you should be getting the full BAH and the Family Separation Allowance. Ask to have these moneys directly deposited into an account in your name.
Servicemembers are expected to provide for their families while deployed. However, there is a good bit of latitude given the individual command as to how this is accomplished. So, be sure to approach the command calmly and logically–and hopefully they will make this step easier for you.
Another avenue that may be worth researching is the Exceptional Family Members Program (EFMP) on your post. I do not know if your medical conditions qualify and if they can provide any assistance, but perhaps they can help in some way. Your FRG leader or Chaplain may also be aware of other post or local programs that may able to to help you out.
Hope this information is helpful to you!
Seriously tough topic. Glad you are able to help.
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Edited By Siteowner
Hi Molly! I tried emailing you again about guest posting and the email came back undeliverable…..could you email me with the account you currently use – I am still very interested just had to disappear for a bit. Thanks!
my so called husband is in the army.
we have been married for almost 3 years, hes never helped me at all with money . he only would give me less then $400 a month. then i would have to pay me cell phone and buy him stuff that he wanted.. i wold be left with nothing , this was when he was in
my so called husband is in the army . we have been married for almost 3 years. he never helped me financially, he would send me $400 a month and that stopped when he came back to hawaii from iraq …. i lived with my mother because he did not want me living with him (YET)….
so with that $400 i had to pay my cell phone bill and pay for all the stuff he wanted me to send him when he was in iraq…..i was left with no money. my mother payed for eveything i needed. he did alot more then this…………………………..
now we are not together but we r still married he dose not want a divorce and i dont have money for one ….i want him out of my life… what should i do?
oh…. he has been receiving BAH for as long as we have been married.
and he still is in hawaii ….
Anon:
You mention the money and the living apart, but not whether you really ever had much of a marriage to speak of.
First, call Military OneSource and allow them to help you find resources to determine whether you are really ready to go for a divorce.
If divorce is the only option that seems right to you, you do not need a lot of money.
Call your state bar to see if you might qualify for free or reduced representation.
If you are not suing for alimony and do not have joint accounts, you might not even need a lawyer, but it does not hurt to find out what your options are.
Hello,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have no children and I worked as a photographer. Lately my photography work has been extremely slow and I have decided to go to school. (Which starts this fall) My husband for the past 2 years has been extremely distant, doesn’t communicate, gets angry quickly. I have tried to stick in there with him but nothing has helped the communication level. 3 weeks ago i was scheduled to go to a baby shower that was 3 hours away at my best friend’s sisters home. I told him I would be gone or one night but would return the next day. I got a little sick early in the day at the shower so drove back home. Only to find another woman outside in the parking lot talking to my husband. (mind you a week beforehand my husband said he wanted to file for divorce out the blue). So I said nothing, came in the house an saw that all my things were stuffed in a closet. When he came in, he said the woman was just a friend. I assume the woman had been inside our home and of course I got very angry, began to cry and left. Our first vehicle years ago was in my name and we sold it about 5 years ago. We have two cars now, both in his name. He tries to make me feel as if his military pay would remain the same whether he was married to me or not and is basically telling me he’s moving out in 30 days and will not help me with any bills! He just wants to pick up and leave me with our mutual debt thats under my credit, take both cars and everything. Can he do this? What about my schooling and the G.I. Bill? Will I still be able to go to school?
I have a strong feeling that he’s trying to divorce me to quickly re marry to make sure he maintains his lifestyle. I also believe he wants to take both cars and give them to his new “lover” I have absolutely no family to live with as I was a foster growing up. We got married young (me 19) and him 20..we’ve been through a lot together and have grown together. Although i feel he’s grown into a diff person. I’m now almost 27..He has been very irresponsible with our finances for the past few years, so we really have no savings at all. The money I brought in from my photography jobs usually went to the bills. Can he truly just take everything and leave me with nothing? He’s acting as if he can and is going to do that. He’s a SGT. in the Marines.
Jenny–
If you want to try to save the marriage, then speak with a chaplain (they’ll keep religion out of it if requested) or start going to a therapist (call TRICARE or you can talk to Military OneSource to get started) and try to convince him to go for joint counseling.
If you believe that he will file for divorce and/or you have decided that is the way to go, the only legitimate advice anyone can give you is to contact a lawyer in your state, preferably one who specializes in military divorce.
Call your state bar association for a recommendation and do it immediately.
I am not a lawyer and even if I was, I would have to be practicing in your state to give you any sort of real answer. I also do not know in whose names the cars are or the circumstances under which the debt was acquired.
What I will say, is that there is nothing in any military law that prevents a court from splitting community property according to state law. In fact, his career in the military may make it easier to enforce any eventual court decision since he can’t hide his salary and any court award can be automatically deducted if necessary.
You can google military divorce to get a general outline of how various pays may be divided, but ultimately it is your state law and the judge, not the military, that will divide communal debt and property.
Thank you so much for this information. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me for 2 years but he would say he wanted to go and never show up. In a way, I think divorce is the best for us as I want to go to school and be with someone I feel I can have children with (as he has recently told me he doesn’t want any) but I do.
Both vehicles are in his name. One I acquired through POA (with his permission of course) while he was in Iraq. Our old car at that time had gave out and this was the car we had 4 years prior that was in my name. He sold it once he got back to the states. and another car he recently bought without my consent. Both are mustangs..both in his name. We live in Virginia, were stationed in Quantico for 4 years, then California and now back in the Virginia area for the past year.
What I don’t understand about him is that the money disappears from the accounts, and only enough for bills left (that I pay and keep up the household) he’s rarely home (he’s a recruiter) yet he thinks we have enough money for a divorce. He sat me down one evening and broke down his mypay and told me that he doesn’t get any extra money for being married anymore since he’s a SGT and that if he wanted to live alone without me after we divorce that he would still receive BAH. I felt like he was basically saying trying to make me believe that i was worthless. I’ve become really depressed that I held out for so long trying to nurture this man and on a whim when he wants a divorce, everything is supposed to disappear. I feel used.
Although they are proposing narrowing the gap between with and without dependents for BAH, at this point he still gets more for having a dependent. He would still receive BAH without a dependent, but it would be less.
That is really neither here nor there, though. In a divorce, you would get what the judge awarded, not what your husband thinks you should get. Only a lawyer can help you understand what that might be.
What is really troubling me though, is that he is using the finances (and lying about them) to make you feel worthless and insignificant.
I don’t know your husband, and what he may have gone through recently to have a sudden shift in his character.
You can’t force him into therapy, but I would suggest you consider it for yourself to work through some of these issues at least for your own sake. Call OneSource to get started.
And please, do talk to a lawyer. Again, your state bar can help you find the right lawyer.
Thank you for the encouragement Candance, you have no idea how much it means to me.
Take care.
i AM A RETIREE. mY HUSBND DID 20 YEARS IN THE MILITARY, i WAS MARRIED TO HIM 17 1/2 OF THESE YEARS. AFTER 23 YEARS OF MARRAGE, HE LEFT ME AND TWO MINOR CHILDREN A CHILD WITH A DISABILITY AND A CHILD IN COLLEGE. HE HAS CONTRIBUTED NOTHNG TO THEIR SUPPORT SINCE HE LEFT. tODAY, i WENT TO THE DENTIST ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT HE HAS CANCELLED MY DENTAL INSURANCE. cAN HE LEGALY DO THIS? wE ARE NOT YET DIVORCED???
pLEASE HELP!!
jtp
dear molley,
my boyfriend is leaving in November to join the army and im scared that he will get hurt and i dont no how take it? could you please help me/
samantha–remember that at this point he is not deploying yet.
Try not to focus on “what ifs.”
Write to him, but understand that he may not be able to write back often during training. Do things for yourself–take classes, get a hobby, volunteer, work, do fun and positive things with friends. This way you can continue to grow as a person–good for you and your relationship.
jtp–Call the dental insurance provider. If the dental is through the military, call OneSource. You have minor children, go to the court and get an interim order for child support. If you cannot afford a lawyer, call your state bar association to help you find a lawyer who will work on a sliding scale or possibly pro bono (free) depending on your circumstances.
I am a 100% disabled army veteran, my ex-husband retired the divorce is final the problem I am facing is I want the equidable distribution hearing to be reopened in MI. he lives in N.C. What law is it for me as a disabled veteran that would allow the case to be moved to MI.?
Dear Molly,
This is all very similar to my story. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have 3 kids together, ages 6 yrs, 5yrs and 2yrs of age. He’s been in the military since Jan. 2003. Due to his numerous infidelities, betrayls and deceit, we are now divorcing. I am currently living with my family while he’s deployed to Iraq. He deployed in Janurary of 2009. I am currently staying with my family until I can afford to have a place of my own for my kids and myself. We are only recieving child support from my husband, who happens to be a Specialist in the army, but he’s retaining the BAH and Family Seperation. He claims that it’s all his and not for me or the children. I have no idea at this point what we are entitled to or who to speak with. The Army has been of no help to us whatsoever. Every time I’ve reached out for help, they’ve turned their backs on us. Is there any advice that you could possibly provide for me? Also, he is filing for the divorce while he is deployed, there is quite a bit more to this, but this pretty much the most of it. He also recieved a DUI on the army base he was stationed at in May of 2006. Thank you in advance for any help or advice.
Sincerely,
Anna
Dear Molly,
i have been married to a soldier for 4 years and we have a 21 month old. He recently got back from Iraq about 3 months ago and now we are divorcing. It was never a really good marriage to begin with. I have been a stay at home mom since our daughter was born and I am also currently getting my master’s in education. he left for Iraq last May and while he was over there I took care of what I had always taken care of (our daughter, the finances, and the household) while being a full time student. I even did a lot of his course work for him while he was over in Iraq to help him through classes so he can obtain his degree. HE had a thirty day leave so we both went home to our families and were going to meet up for vacation later in the leave. However, about a week after we left of leave we were arguing and talked about ending it for good and he stopped talking to me and wouldn’t answer the phone etc. finally he texted me to tell me my voice makes him sick to his stomach, he is more depressed than he ever has been, doesn’t know how to make it day to day and that life sucks. Also texted me to say if he stays in this marriage the way it is, he may harm me. I called his commander and told him the situation and then he blamed me for ruining his military career. Recently, he went into our savings and took all our money and put it into a personal account of his. He also took more than half of what was in checking. We also have a joint account with Scottrade that has nearly 10,000 dollars in it that I don’t know if he is going to try and get. He went to a lawyer and got a separation agreement ready and wants to “get things moving” said he is only required to give me a portion of his BAH and 17 to 21 % of income for our daughter.He said I need to get a job which I plan on doing (god willing with this economy) and that he needs all that money he took out to get a new place. That money is what I saved for us while he was in Iraq and I took care of our child and the household but he says it is “his” money not mine. I am so mad but trying to stay civil and hoping I can find help to fight this and get half of that money. Please, if you have any advice, please, please, let me know, anyone. Oh and he has smoked marijuana this whole time in the military that I have known him and buys lasix from overseas and beats the drug test everytime and he smokes it outside of our apartment and keeps the marijuana there even when I told him not too. If I bring this up I am afraid he will be dishonorably discharged and we will not get benefits of child support. Will my daughter and I get any benefits that he will be receiving after he leaves the military in October (after 8 years of service)? I know this is long but I am desperate on what to do.
I cannot emphasize this enough–you must speak with a lawyer.
If you need information about military resourcesor you need counseling, call Military OneSource…but ONLY a lawyer in your state can advise you about divorce settlements.
Wow, it seems like so many women like myself have chose to stay in dead end relationships in hopes to rekindle a dream. I have a Degree and 3 children and have been married 6yrs to my husband who is a 1sgt in the army. I see where I went wrong on my part I never took into account is this the man for me and ignored the warning signs before I married. I held on to hope that he would change and things will get better year after year. Now it is too late because I do not know who I am and we have no relationship. He now is deployed and plans on relocating to another state once he gets back. His future is more important to him and his happiness. At one point we were in love but he changed and is somewhat a stranger to me. We as women scarifice so much more and these men can pick up and move on with their lives. I am so angry but the only thing I can do is pull myself up by my boot straps and move on. I now have faith in God and my strength comes from him. He wants happiness for us and peace. He gave me my girls from this man and he served his purpose. I have a joke I tell my friends atleast I got screwed over by a man who had no choice but to support me. I am a Social Worker and see so many women who are in far worst conditions and I am grateful for my opportunity. My new philosophy is the world is my oyster it hurts but life is not over…for me. He can move on and leave me but God wants better for me and I do struggle with depression but I am holding on to faith.
I’m so glad it’s almost over!!! I want my life back! I am a Priority! I deserve better than what the Military Life Style can give! & why the heck can we get free boob jobs but the dental only covers 50% of a crown? Oh..yeah…once again….women are objects…nothing more. That good old boy attitude still sucks!
soon2bbxarmywife–Sorry you had a bad experience. I never felt like I was treated as an object because of my gender. I was treated as a valuable part of a team. It was not perfect, few things are. Good luck in civilian life…
HEY LADIES OUT THERE!! I hear you ! so deep in my heart it hurts to know all this sadness in the world of stupidity
and abscense of self-respect and the knowing of God’s love for us we need to realize we here to serve his purpose to inspired each other to love everything and everybody
But nooo ! we woman are caught up in total emotionally disconection with ourselves and our true beauty and value as a human beings
I want you to know and be reminded of our position here on earth WE ARE PRINCESSES daughter os the most high
why not to be,walk,talk and behave like the ladies princesses we are?
LOve yourself continue loving your kids live love life be descent work on loving yourself so much that you will attract love all kinds of love
you will see how people will want to be around your beautiful soul
Stop complaining!! start LIVING ! LIVE LAUGH LOVE!!! STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER BEAUTY AND YOUR FATHER THAT LOVES US DEARLY!! HOPE GOD GUIDE YOIU TO EMBRACE YOUR UNIQUENESS AND HELP TO SPREAD THE LOVE EVEN IN THOUGH TIMES WE PRINCESSES CAN DO THAT AND MORE LOVE YOU ALL TAKE CARE
BLESSINGS!!
well i have been married for a year and i have done everything my husband has asked me to do but for some reason thats not enough. i have no job and i have a 3 year old son who is not my husbands. well his been acting so different with me tell me that he doesnt love me and never has that only reason he married me was because he would get paid more and he had things he needed to pay. he told me that i better not ask him for nothing because he not going to help me with anything. His been trying to kick me out of our house. so what i need help well advice about is what do i need to do to get a divorce and still get money from my husband until i find a job and when me and my son are ok?
Dear Molly, This is a doosie…..my neighbour’s son returned ‘home’ (her house)from serving in Afghanistan about 6 months ago…along with his wife, whom he married while stationed in Italy (it is my understanding they were together for almost 2 1/2 years while there and were married his last January in her native Romania). To make a long story short, apparantly he now wants a divorce and is refusing to start her immigration process. Besides the immigration issue, does she have any rights/options through the military as they were married while he was active duty? I don’t want to become too involved with their problems, but I do feel for her, being alone in a foreign country and now being told that he wants a divorce, she just doesn’t know what to do, and is scared that he is going to throw her out of the house. Any advice we be most welcome.
Hi.
This is a long story. I’ll try to make it brief as possible.
“John” and I have been married for 3 years. We’ve been together for nearly 10. He enlisted in the ARMY in 2007. We moved to NY later that year and it was agreed that I would stay home and raise the kids. All of the bills went into my name. I had perfect credit at this time. Then he spent us into a large hole. The bills didn’t get paid and my credit was ruined. I have about $3600 in household debt accrued on my credit report, just from NY. He got a loan to cover the deficit in the account, but it was too late and we were behind and kept getting more behind. My Mastercard got maxed out, just so we could eat. On top of this I had been begging him to bring his coworkers home, to tell me when they’d invited us over. He didn’t. Told his coworkers and their wives I wasn’t interested. Even went as far as to tell the FRG I wasn’t interested in their meetings. My son never adjusted to the move and developed mental problems. It was then, with the help of my mother, that the kids and I moved back home. Two months after that we decided to get divorced. He started sleeping with his SGT. We had agreed it would be ok to see other people. I had somebody too. After about a month she ended it, and that’s when he started harassing me. Mind you he was deployed during all of this. Using his paycheck and the kids welfare to control who I saw or talked to. Would change the the allotment I got if I didn’t answer the phone late at night. Demanding to know why I had been at such and such place at two in the afternoon using the online banking to prove when I had been out. When he came home on leave, he (against my better judgement) stayed here because he was paying for the house. He drank every night. Would get in my face with his face, though he never hit me. Interrogated our five year old son about who I saw and what I did to the point that he was in tears. Nevermind all the tears I’ve shed over his constant threats about taking my babies away. And nevermind that he got a girl pregnant while he was on leave. Now he back in the states, living with the Sgt that he had been sleeping with. I’ve been cut down to $1500/mo which will pay the bills…just barely. I can’t find work. I can’t find any assistance to help get rid of the debt or help with current bills. We’re drowning here. I need to get on my feet, need a divorce, need to be rid of the pressure of this man and I can find no help.
Can he hide behind his SSRA forever? Am I going to be able to divorce him? Are there any military divorce specialists that don’t charge $300/hr? Are there any benefits that the military offers to help me find a job that will actually pay the bills? because the state provided job assistance/placement is a joke. Are there any organizations that will help with the bills in the meantime? Is there anything that can be done? This has been going for almost a year, my stress is high to the point that I have trouble eating and holding down what I do eat. My kids have started to notice. I’ve run out of moves. Sorry for the length in this. A lot to say.
There are regulations that govern such actions. I know while being stationed OCONUS there is a system in place to move spouse’s back home. Id imagine there would be the same for CONUS station. As far the BAH and Family Sep… you are not entitled to it all. Read the regulations, you entitled a specific dollar amount based solely upon his rank. The table is called the Non Locality Rate (BAH type II). Google AR 608-99, page 7.
My husband move to a different county while I was deployed overseas, he claimed I abandoned my child and filed for divorce. He state that he did not know my whereabouts. For months when I would call he would say everything was fine but then at some point he changed his phone number.
Soon after I was notified that I was divorce and that he had sole custody of my child. For months I tried to find him but it was useless.
I am out of the military and want my child back. What can I do? How can I prove that he knew where as was all along and that I did not abandon him nor my child.
Hello,
My husband and I are divorcing and he has agreed to the divorce and everything. What I am wondering is, will the Army let me stay in post housing for 6 months to get on my feet? I have heard that but I’m not so sure it’s true.
Divorce will always lead to depression and anger towards the other party. As much as possible avoid divorce~:,
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