Subscribe: Ask Molly: Moving "Home" During a Deployment
A reader posted this comment:
Does anyone have any advice? My brother is due to deploy overseas within a year and it is causing problems in his marriage. His family (young wife and 2 year old daughter) and my family moved half way across the country two years ago to forge a better life away from the West coast. Our father also lives here. We are all within minutes of each other. Now that he is due to deploy, his wife wants to move back in with her mother out west. He doesn’t want her to. They have a home here, pets, her job, baby’s daycare, etc. I’m sure he wants to know that while he is deployed, someone is here maintaining a “Normal” life for him to return to. Her mother has been trying to get her to return the whole two years and is pressuring her, also. (Of course they never got along when they lived together before.) My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment. Does anyone have any advice on books, etc., that might help her understand his point? Thanks.
Elizabeth | 11.11.07 – 2:10 pm |
Dear Elizabeth,
Hopefully some of my readers will add their comments as well so you can get more than one perspective.
Deciding whether to stay where you live with your spouse or return “home” with your parents while your spouse is deployed is a very difficult decision.
Before I could offer my own advice and opinion to a spouse, I’d need to know some more details, such as whether the service member is Active Duty, National Guard, or Reserves, how close the spouse lives to a post if the service member is not Active Duty, what sort of support system she has in place, and the length of the deployment.
If the spouse has a good support system in place, the kids have friends, and the deployment is likely to be a year or less, then it is often a good decision to stay put.
Some spouses may find, especially if they have a very young baby, if they have not established a support system, or if they are facing a long deployment, that they would rather move back in with a parent, possibly also saving money.
I stayed in Killeen during my husband’s deployment and it was a mixed bag, but overall I made the right decision for us.
Ultimately, though, every person is an individual and this is a decision that will be made by the couple. Yes, his deployment will be a stressful time for him and he does need the support of his family. Deployment can also be very trying for the spouse, as well, and your sister in law also needs to know that her needs are understood and respected.
While there are some good books out there for military spouses (I link to a number in my sidebar), no book will be able to take into account all the individual circumstances a person may face.
I think it is wonderful that your family is so close. I am sure you have the best interests of your whole family in mind (including your brother, your sister in law, and of course your little niece), but I am a little concerned that you are searching for resources to help her understand his perspective, rather than resources that might allow both of them better understand each others’ points of view.
In the long run, I think that a healthy marriage will grow in depth during the separation, no matter what decision they make. So, the important part is really how they reach that decision.
My suggestions to you is that you recommend they utilize some of the following resources to help maintain the health of their relationship and then allow them lots of space to sort it out together, possibly with a neutral person trained in relationship counseling.
- Military OneSource: Military OneSource is your one-stop resource for pretty much everything. They even have Master’s level consultants who will answer the phone 24-7 and help military service members and family locate resources, including limited free counseling sessions. You have to register to use the website, but it is all free.
- The Unit or Post Chaplain: If your brother and his wife are on or near a post, a Chaplain could be an excellent resource. Most will keep religion out of the discussion if asked, and they have training in the specific issues military couples face as well as access to extensive resources.
- The Family Readiness Group: The leader should be able to at least point the spouse to some resources for making the decision. Also, the quality of the support available might factor into the decision and possibly persuade her to stay.
- The Military Couples’ Workshop or Retreat: There are a lot of workshops and retreats that may help them work through some of these issues. Some are for those who are experiencing trouble reintegrating after a deployment, but others are open to service members and their spouses before hand. Ask the command about Building Strong and Ready Families program, a two-day program that helps couples develop better communication skills, reinforced by a weekend retreat. If they are Reserve or National Guard, there is a “Strong Bonds Marriage Education Program.”
- Army Community Services or similar post service: If they are active duty or activated and near a post, there should be an office that is a clearinghouse for various classes and opportunities.
- Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Another person’s perspective + 26 comments from readers on the issue. (from SpouseBUZZ)
Hopefully these resources will help them reach the right decision for them as a couple and I am sure your family will support them, regardless of what that decision may be.
My prayers are with your brother and your whole family as you prepare for his deployment.
“Ask Molly” represents only my opinion and the comments of readers represent their opinions. I draw upon my training as a Family Readiness Group leader, my own experience and that of those I know, and any research I found on the Internet. I am not a trained counselor.
My husband has deployed 7 times over his military career. Thankfully none of those were more than 7 or 8 months. It doesn’t include the smaller month or six week deployments in that count though either. I said that so you’d know I have a bit of experience in the matter at hand.
I have never moved back home. Let me rephrase that. I did once go back home for a three month visit and I was pregnant and ended up having to stay until my baby was born because of some complications but it was not my intention to move home. It was just what happened to work out.
I found even on visits my parents still sometimes treat me as a child even though I have 4 children of my own and am 36 years old. Parents always think they know best so they are always going to be telling you what they think. This is good sometimes and its always nice to have a listening ear. I feel a need to have a high level of respect for my parents even if I don’t agree with them and so this becomes difficult if I am “living” with them again.
I would say for the most part you should keep your own home. There are reasons for moving back like wanting to get your finances on track (if you really will do that), or support with a special needs child (though I have one of those too) but I think your parents will respect you more if they see you can make it and not have to run home to momma every time. Your husband will respect and appreciate you too for all the help you have given and the support you have shown him. Let’s face it. There is no better place to understand what a military wife is going through than amongst other military wives. Just don’t let yourself get mixed up with the wives that like to play around. That isn’t good at all! Find a church. Find some true friends. Stick it out! Make it work!!
God bless,
Sallie
My husband has deployed 7 times over his military career. Thankfully none of those were more than 7 or 8 months. It doesn’t include the smaller month or six week deployments in that count though either. I said that so you’d know I have a bit of experience in the matter at hand.
I have never moved back home. Let me rephrase that. I did once go back home for a three month visit and I was pregnant and ended up having to stay until my baby was born because of some complications but it was not my intention to move home. It was just what happened to work out.
I found even on visits my parents still sometimes treat me as a child even though I have 4 children of my own and am 36 years old. Parents always think they know best so they are always going to be telling you what they think. This is good sometimes and its always nice to have a listening ear. I feel a need to have a high level of respect for my parents even if I don’t agree with them and so this becomes difficult if I am “living” with them again.
I would say for the most part you should keep your own home. There are reasons for moving back like wanting to get your finances on track (if you really will do that), or support with a special needs child (though I have one of those too) but I think your parents will respect you more if they see you can make it and not have to run home to momma every time. Your husband will respect and appreciate you too for all the help you have given and the support you have shown him. Let’s face it. There is no better place to understand what a military wife is going through than amongst other military wives. Just don’t let yourself get mixed up with the wives that like to play around. That isn’t good at all! Find a church. Find some true friends. Stick it out! Make it work!!
God bless,
Sallie
My husband has deployed 7 times over his military career. Thankfully none of those were more than 7 or 8 months. It doesn’t include the smaller month or six week deployments in that count though either. I said that so you’d know I have a bit of experience in the matter at hand.
I have never moved back home. Let me rephrase that. I did once go back home for a three month visit and I was pregnant and ended up having to stay until my baby was born because of some complications but it was not my intention to move home. It was just what happened to work out.
I found even on visits my parents still sometimes treat me as a child even though I have 4 children of my own and am 36 years old. Parents always think they know best so they are always going to be telling you what they think. This is good sometimes and its always nice to have a listening ear. I feel a need to have a high level of respect for my parents even if I don’t agree with them and so this becomes difficult if I am “living” with them again.
I would say for the most part you should keep your own home. There are reasons for moving back like wanting to get your finances on track (if you really will do that), or support with a special needs child (though I have one of those too) but I think your parents will respect you more if they see you can make it and not have to run home to momma every time. Your husband will respect and appreciate you too for all the help you have given and the support you have shown him. Let’s face it. There is no better place to understand what a military wife is going through than amongst other military wives. Just don’t let yourself get mixed up with the wives that like to play around. That isn’t good at all! Find a church. Find some true friends. Stick it out! Make it work!!
God bless,
Sallie
I second the recommendation to call Military OneSource. But for a different reason. I worked for them.
The consultants there are amazing and will be able to put you in touch with some pretty helpful resources. They can also help to support EVERYONE through this trying time. Best of all, it’s free. All of it.
I second the recommendation to call Military OneSource. But for a different reason. I worked for them.
The consultants there are amazing and will be able to put you in touch with some pretty helpful resources. They can also help to support EVERYONE through this trying time. Best of all, it’s free. All of it.
I second the recommendation to call Military OneSource. But for a different reason. I worked for them.
The consultants there are amazing and will be able to put you in touch with some pretty helpful resources. They can also help to support EVERYONE through this trying time. Best of all, it’s free. All of it.
While I can’t imagine moving back home, I think that a person needs to do what will help them get through a deployment in the easiest, most supportive way possible. If this woman thinks this will happen at her family’s house, then she should go there. But this SIL needs to realize that her job in being a support system for her brother and his wife is to be supportive of their decision–she shouldn’t make what is already a difficult time any more difficult by pressuring someone to do something they’re not comfortable with.
While I can’t imagine moving back home, I think that a person needs to do what will help them get through a deployment in the easiest, most supportive way possible. If this woman thinks this will happen at her family’s house, then she should go there. But this SIL needs to realize that her job in being a support system for her brother and his wife is to be supportive of their decision–she shouldn’t make what is already a difficult time any more difficult by pressuring someone to do something they’re not comfortable with.
While I can’t imagine moving back home, I think that a person needs to do what will help them get through a deployment in the easiest, most supportive way possible. If this woman thinks this will happen at her family’s house, then she should go there. But this SIL needs to realize that her job in being a support system for her brother and his wife is to be supportive of their decision–she shouldn’t make what is already a difficult time any more difficult by pressuring someone to do something they’re not comfortable with.
My husband has always said that the spouse who stays behind has it much harder than the spouse who deploys. That said, anything that can be done to make it easier on that spouse is the right thing.
In our case, I moved to the area where my parents lived. Our housing allowance was more than double what I needed, so we were able to save a huge amount of money, and I still maintained my independence.
I wouldn’t want to live with my parents, but living nearby saved my sanity.
Now, on a personal note…This statement “My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment” really hit a nerve. Why does making herself unhappy equate to being strong? How is he “being strong” in his deployment anyway? He hasn’t even left yet, and he has no choices — she does. Your family needs to back off and let them make this decision. Frankly, it’s none of your business.
My husband has always said that the spouse who stays behind has it much harder than the spouse who deploys. That said, anything that can be done to make it easier on that spouse is the right thing.
In our case, I moved to the area where my parents lived. Our housing allowance was more than double what I needed, so we were able to save a huge amount of money, and I still maintained my independence.
I wouldn’t want to live with my parents, but living nearby saved my sanity.
Now, on a personal note…This statement “My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment” really hit a nerve. Why does making herself unhappy equate to being strong? How is he “being strong” in his deployment anyway? He hasn’t even left yet, and he has no choices — she does. Your family needs to back off and let them make this decision. Frankly, it’s none of your business.
My husband has always said that the spouse who stays behind has it much harder than the spouse who deploys. That said, anything that can be done to make it easier on that spouse is the right thing.
In our case, I moved to the area where my parents lived. Our housing allowance was more than double what I needed, so we were able to save a huge amount of money, and I still maintained my independence.
I wouldn’t want to live with my parents, but living nearby saved my sanity.
Now, on a personal note…This statement “My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment” really hit a nerve. Why does making herself unhappy equate to being strong? How is he “being strong” in his deployment anyway? He hasn’t even left yet, and he has no choices — she does. Your family needs to back off and let them make this decision. Frankly, it’s none of your business.
My husband is currently preparing to deploy and I am preparing to move back home! I am pregnant and due two months before he leaves, with our first child. We moved to his base (he is active duty) last year, and it is on the complete opposite side of the country where I grew up and where my family is. I need the support of my family with this first deployment and first child. My husband would never ask me to stay here and try to “be strong”. He wants me to be safe and happy and comfortable, no matter where that is for me.
My husband is currently preparing to deploy and I am preparing to move back home! I am pregnant and due two months before he leaves, with our first child. We moved to his base (he is active duty) last year, and it is on the complete opposite side of the country where I grew up and where my family is. I need the support of my family with this first deployment and first child. My husband would never ask me to stay here and try to “be strong”. He wants me to be safe and happy and comfortable, no matter where that is for me.
My husband is currently preparing to deploy and I am preparing to move back home! I am pregnant and due two months before he leaves, with our first child. We moved to his base (he is active duty) last year, and it is on the complete opposite side of the country where I grew up and where my family is. I need the support of my family with this first deployment and first child. My husband would never ask me to stay here and try to “be strong”. He wants me to be safe and happy and comfortable, no matter where that is for me.
I think that this decision is between your brother and his wife only. The family unfortunatly has no say. If she feels better about going back home, then she definatly should. What good is it if she just stays behind sad and depressed and lonely all of the time? People are all different. While some spouses handle deployments fine, others have very difficult times alone.
My husband is in the Navy and he will be deploying in a few months. I am making plans to move back home and he is supportive of that..as he should be. I dont have any family or friends here. Most people just don’t get it. My family is very supportave and are more then willing to have me stay with them. WHy would I stay here alone when I have that kind of support back home? Its not like my husband is going to be here anyway.
I think that this decision is between your brother and his wife only. The family unfortunatly has no say. If she feels better about going back home, then she definatly should. What good is it if she just stays behind sad and depressed and lonely all of the time? People are all different. While some spouses handle deployments fine, others have very difficult times alone.
My husband is in the Navy and he will be deploying in a few months. I am making plans to move back home and he is supportive of that..as he should be. I dont have any family or friends here. Most people just don’t get it. My family is very supportave and are more then willing to have me stay with them. WHy would I stay here alone when I have that kind of support back home? Its not like my husband is going to be here anyway.
I think that this decision is between your brother and his wife only. The family unfortunatly has no say. If she feels better about going back home, then she definatly should. What good is it if she just stays behind sad and depressed and lonely all of the time? People are all different. While some spouses handle deployments fine, others have very difficult times alone.
My husband is in the Navy and he will be deploying in a few months. I am making plans to move back home and he is supportive of that..as he should be. I dont have any family or friends here. Most people just don’t get it. My family is very supportave and are more then willing to have me stay with them. WHy would I stay here alone when I have that kind of support back home? Its not like my husband is going to be here anyway.
My husband deployed just months after our first child was born, which made me a little hesitant to be so far away from family without him. We put everything in storage (our expense) and shipped a car across the country (also our expense) so that I could be near family. I had mixed feelings about being away from the Army community. It was nice to have family support around, but I really missed the FRG and coffee group support and friendships. There is a big difference in the understanding and reassurance you get from other military spouses and your friends and family that are removed from the military lifestyle.
In the end, we were able to save alot of money (BAH, family child care, and distracting part-time job), but had many upfront moving costs. Also, it was challenging to get back into on-post housing when he re-deployed and you can never time exactly when they will be home. For the next deployment, I will definetly stay in the Army community.
Advice for sister-in-law: Good luck on your decision. Just remember that the time will pass. Learn something new or do something that you will be proud of when the deployment ends. You do not want to waste a year crossing days off your calendar and waiting by the phone or computer. If you do go home, maintain contact with your military friends and FRG back at the base- you will appreciate their support the most.
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